Can I be honest? I had a few moments this weekend where that painful, angry, ishy voice said "remember how much easier it was to get Christmas shopping done pre-kids? Remember what it was like to eat your entire Starbucks treat without sharing (or like today, scraping the cinnamon off so Mia could have a bite)?!?"
I don't like that voice and the older they get the more I hear it. It makes me feel a little guilty and the guilt is two-fold. I feel guilty, or more like silly, for ever being late, for not saving money, for not enjoying more time with my friends BEFORE I had kids because now that is all even harder to do. I almost think I was lazy, ALWAYS tardy for sure! But now- every decision I make has a direct impact on the lives of 3 special people and that is only the first ripple in the pool. That doesn't include my parents, my sister and her family or the ripples in my professional life.
The other facet of the guilt is wishing for time away from my kids. I never could understand people who would vacation without their kids or even over-work to get away from their kids. I never judged- I just didn't get it. But after now three years out of the type of work where you get up and go in your car and leave your kids with somebody else, I get it. I get wanting to see your work tasks complete and put to rest even though you know your kids are starting to get the dinner hungries. I get wanting to talk to your hubby without having to explain why dinosaurs are extinct right in the middle of his interesting story.
I don't want to be a mother that loses herself in twisting myself up into a mommy pretzel to appease my children but I want to be a nurturing mother who stops what she is doing to listen about why THEY think the dinosaurs died. This weekend I was NOT that mom. I was the mom that was realizing that I have nearly ALL of my Christmas shopping LEFT TO DO and no time to do it. I was the mom that couldn't wait for my kids to get to bed so I could hear some quiet. I have loved to be busy (my mom will agree) since I was hatched. But lately my life feels positively RUSHED. I don't know what I am rushing toward or waiting for because and here is the kicker: I feel refreshingly blessed and I love where I am at in terms of family, job, friendships, really everything. I have goals and "maybe's" but nothing pressing...THAT is a nice feeling. Contented. I just wish I could project that to my kids. I wish THEY would slow down. Reflect. Enjoy.
Nope. Not the Zahl children. NO IDEA what this child is doing:
But you gotta love 'em because there is the sweet side too. Like the picture she took of herself and Brother Bear:
Ahhh (swiping a tear away) Don't be deceived. I am certain she took that pic right before one of them threw my camera down the stairs.
This week we'll focus our theme on Holiday Thoughts. I'll post ideas and projects that encourage young child to pause, seek beauty and sort thru the busy to find peace in the season of love and family.
The title of this post was "anyone want a re-do"... I wish I could re-do how often I pulled out my Taci T-Rex... But I can't... I can be extra nice and set the tone for my kids by being calm and patient with them. Thank you for reading this post which was literally all over the place but felt reeeeallly good to get out ;) Hope I get some comments on YOUR FAMILIES WEEKEND!
Recent Comments